Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Pretentious menus

Stuff is "delicately balanced",
Or it "nestles" on a bed.
It has something "drizzled" over it
(Or sprinkled on instead.)

You can guarantee such toppings
Have been "shaved", or perhaps "infused",
Or "tossed", "chopped", "lightly toasted" -
Or otherwise abused.

The courgette flower's a "beignet"
(Which means it's fried in batter),
And the sea bream that's "sustainable"
Lies lifeless on a platter.

One sausage has been "orchard reared".
Another's "outdoor bred".
It's good that once they frolicked,
But this "duo" are both dead.

"Sumptuous mouth watering"
Describes what you might nibble.
Let's hope the linen napkin
Can accommodate the dribble.

The "prime cuts" are cooked skilfully,
And also with duplicity,
On apple wood and elder,
And with what they call "simplicity".

The "cow's milk mozzarella"
Has been "carefully hand torn"
There's "seedling veg", and "pureed peas"
And "toothsome baby corn."

The scallops have been "hand dived",
The olive oil's "cold pressed"
It's also "extra virgin" -
And, to boot, divinely blessed?

The "lamb" has been "sourced locally",
For you especially "chosen",
And the crushed ice in your cocktail
Is the only food that's frozen.

There's something with a "beurre noisette".
"What's that?" you may well mutter.
I think it's what we used to call
A little knob of butter.

The spinach has been "foraged".
It is never ever picked.
If this makes your greens taste better,
Who am I to contradict?

I'll have a plate of anything
That doesn't come with "foam",
Or "sprigs" or fancy trimmings.
And I'll wish I'd stayed at home.

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