Sunday 29 June 2014

Stephanie's Hen Party

Steph is getting married
So we organised a bash.
The challenges we set her
Earned badges for a sash.

Drinking through straw spectacles,
A gallop (minus horse),
First aid with no bandage,
And accosting men (of course).

Making stylish outfits
With tatty stuff that clashes.
And finding blokes with facial hair,
To match six false moustaches.

Eating dangling donuts
(Use of hands was not allowed).
Pole dancing round lamp posts
(Thus attracting quite a crowd).

Stuffing flumps into the mouth,
And saying "chubby bunny".
The Selkirk Grace in Scottish
Making Rabbie Burns sound funny.

A portrait of fiancĂ©,
Brush between the teeth - how loony.
The likeness would have been quite good,
(If due to wed Wayne Rooney).

A quiz about her childhood,
Not as easy as you'd think,
With we hens no longer sober -
All had far too much to drink.

One challenge was to write a limerick about her intended, as follows:

At a party one warm summer's night.
I met Paul. It was love at first sight.
Now look where we've got.
We are tying the knot,
Which is good: he's a bit of alright!

Tuesday 10 June 2014

After Dinner Speech

It's a long story, but I was recently asked to give the after-dinner speech at the Greenwich Maritime Institute's annual event. The theme of the evening was fishing, a subject about which I know very little. This verse was penned for inclusion in the speech.

I have four good friends I grew up with.
None of them lived far away.
Somehow we never lost contact,
And we're all very close to this day.

Two are now based in America,
But the wonders of email are "neat".
We're in touch on a regular basis,
Even though it's not often we meet.

When asked to come here as guest speaker,
I shared this peculiar news,
I told them the subject was fishing
And, to boot, I must seek to amuse.

Diana now tried to be helpful,
With advice on tonight's celebrations,
Turns out she was active with Green Peace,
And said, "Mention the plight of cetaceans."

Chris's Gran gutted fish for a living
Near Lowestoft, so it appears.
Her memories might have been useful
But the old girl's been dead forty years.

"Live bait or lure?" queried Karen,
Then explained all - with great expertise.
It seemed that my old pals from Morden,
Considered this subject a breeze.

Would Viv now pipe up and surprise me
With some knowledge of bays, coves and creeks?
Would she offer to send me her thesis,
On demersal long line techniques?

Her name soon appeared in my inbox.
I took three deep breaths to prepare.
She wished me good luck, and she asked me,
"What are you going to wear?"

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